I’d Rather Cry at Beauty, Than to Cry at Ugly

That’s the trouble with getting outside, it’s as bad a reading a good book. It’s dangerous. It fills you with longing. But at some point, getting outside or reading a good book also fills the longing.

I’d rather go hiking than pay for 50 minutes of therapy.

Either way, the first 45 minutes consist of working through stress and with hiking you usually get a bonus hour or two of enjoyment after that.

Sometimes, when I go hiking, I am so overcome by the beauty of my surroundings that it makes me weep. Sometimes, when I go hiking, my thoughts are so deep they make me weep. Sometimes, when I make music – or hear music – it makes me weep with the sheer beauty of it all.

But I’d rather cry at beauty, than to cry at ugly.

A couple weeks ago I staffed an outdoor event for a weekend in Escalante. On the way home, I stopped at a public piano in Tropic, pulled out the chair and proceeded to play my heart out for about 10 minutes. A woman of my generation – a gracefully aging flower child – sat on the park bench close by and applauded encouragingly.

When I had done and went inside the market to purchase a snack, the woman found me and engaged in conversation. She was touched by the beauty of music and confessed to videoing my mini concert – seemed to ask permission. We talked about beauty – the unexpected beauty of music in surprising places – the beauty of the world and her habit of picking up ten pieces of trash each day – the beauty of the souls who had allowed her to sleep in her car in their parking lot overnight.

We exited the door together and as I cut diagonally toward my waiting auto I heard her squeal of delight at discovering a large praying mantis. It was indeed a magical day. But what happened next was ugly. A large overall-clad man (Overalls on a Sunday morning – so don’t blame the Mormons for what I am about to relate) descended from his big truck and called, “What is it?”

“A praying mantis,” she replied in wonder.

“Well, step on it!” he snapped, “they don’t do anybody any good.”

I know this is not true. I have also learned that I am not called to set the whole world straight; to backtrack 30 feet across parking lots to be a know-it-all because of something I overheard. All the same, I felt guilty about abandoning that lovely hippie to the ugliness of yet another stranger.

Subdued, I continued miles on down the road, contemplating. I hung a left into Bryce Canyon City and on into a park where natural beauty and wildlife are respected and protected. I took a hike – a long hike – and my spirit was restored.

I would so much rather cry at beauty than at ugly.

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Nature’s Treadmill

We get outside for health.
We get outside for confidence – to pit ourselves against nature for a moment, test our skills, return victorious.
We get outside for a change of pace and a change of scenery – literally.
We get outside to escape the office treadmill, to defy the hamster wheel, the monotonous, repetitive activity in which no progress is achieved – the treadmill of people we cannot fix and things we can’t control.

I think the expression, “I wanted to die,” comes from the following sources: embarrassment, rejection, failure, things of the heart and emotion, societal expectations. And those are the precise feelings I am seeking to heal when I venture, nay, when I go boldly, out into Nature.

I have said that I want to die in a beautiful place. I have also said that day is not today. And it is not. In Nature, the old will to live still kicks in. My reflex is to fight for my life. I don’t want to numb that instinctive will. When the day comes that I die in a beautiful place – I hope it will be decisive – a sudden occurrence. No choice of whether to give up or fight. But until that day, I will struggle. There is no, “lay me down and will myself to die.” While I still live, I will fight for my life.

I go out into Nature for the healing, but sometimes what I get is the scalpel. Other times the treadmill. Yesterday a friend and I floated the Colorado River from Fairy Swale (it is actually Ferry Swale, but Fairy has more scope for the imagination) to Lee’s Ferry. The word floated is misleading. True, sometimes we floated. True it was downstream. Words like halcyon, bucolic, tranquil, serene, placid – even chillaxing came to mind. But there is also wind on the river, wind that blows upstream. Wind that makes white caps of the water. Wind that grabs the nose of your kayak and turns you 180 degrees and makes you feel helpless. Wind that once again puts you on a treadmill of life you find yourself expending herculean energy but going nowhere.

The wind is regularly expected for the last mile of the route from Ferry Swale to Lee’s Ferry. Yesterday it happened three times in the last three miles of the journey. It was a three condor, three osprey, three heron, 99-duck, three extended wind-gusts with white caps and reversals up-river sort of day. And yes, the random half miles of calm beautiful floats were very worth it!

I go out into Nature for the healing, but sometimes what I get is the scalpel. Other times the treadmill. But that doesn’t stop me from returning, over and over again for the healing – the healing that comes after the scalpel has done its work.

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