I am a life-long affirmation addict. I am so addicted that I sacrifice who I am just to be who “they” want me to be in order to receive affirmation and applause. I behave well in an attempt to control the emotional responses of the other. If I am good at what I do; no one will ever be angry with me. If I am really, really, good; they might even applaud me or better yet; absolutely love me!
Manipulation
As much as I love praise and affirmation, I hate it when someone controls or manipulates me with it; when someone withholds attention or shames me for being who I am and then praises or thanks me excessively when I am finally who they want me to be; when I finally do life the way they want me to do it.
I care too much about what other people think. I want them to think I am nice; intelligent, fair and just, good looking, cool. If I cannot make them think those things about me; if they hate me; then life is not worth living. Its just like driving. I hate driving because I cannot control the other drivers. I try to drive perfectly. Surely if I am perfect in my driving no one will blare their horn at me, holler, flip me off, or tailgate; right?
There is a difference between working one’s tail off doing what one loves to do, doing the best job possible; and sucking up, knocking oneself out doing something one does or doesn’t like to do–just to receive the praise, affirmation, or reward from someone else.
Step 6 of the twelve steps says, “We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Melody Beattie adds, “We decide we are ready to take a risk, and let go of these outdated behaviors and attitudes (Codependent No More, Beattie, 1987).”
This affirmation addiction; this being who other people want me to be. These are outmoded ideas and behaviors.
“If we weren’t trying to control whether a person liked us, or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently?… What haven’t we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? (Beattie,1990, The Language of Letting Go, p. 115).”
So many blog articles – and books – on this topic like this one. All well and good to note these behaviours are unhelpful, and to say they should change or stop, but give me concrete steps how! How does one stop when one feels driven? Give some worked, practical examples please. I find even Beattie’s book – touted as the bible on this topic – lacking.
Dear X, It has been four years since I composed this post and I would love to say I have found answers and concrete steps. In actuality, I have muddled toward a bit more happiness and freedom, but the route has been more circuitous than I expected or desired. Too often I find myself falling back into my old habits of relating , reacting and responding (you probably know the agony, sweat and near illness of knowing you have intentionally made a decision that will not please someone). Here are some things that have helped me: 1) acknowledging my propensity for affirmation addiction – being aware of it and therefore alert (kind of like the first of the twelve steps). 2) learning to trust myself and what I know to be right – learning to hear and trust a higher power. 3) changing my inner focus and perception to that of living each year as though I have been given only a year to live (see my post of Saturday, December 31, 2011 http://einefeistyberg.wordpress.com/2011/12/). This gives me unexpected confidence to just be what I am meant to be. After all, if I am terminal and only expected to live until December 31 of this year, why should I be worried about pleasing all those other folks? And really, don’t you think they should cut me some slack? Don’t you think I should cut myself some slack? If I am only going to be around for a few more months, why bother trying to make myself indispensable? Why hold my breath waiting for applause? Time is of the essence, I have places to go things to do, people to see.
Thank you for taking the time to respond and share.
I have found reading research papers on self-compassion very helpful for cutting slack for myself.
And so far the best I can summarize what’s helped me is simply “get a life”. I feel bad saying it because it sounds so harsh, but I’m saying it to myself. It reminds me that when I get out there and do stuff, and relate to people, I generally feel better about life and the world. Maintaining and creating the pleasant homespace I desire has had a therapeutic effect in this regard.
Acceptance Commitment Therapy techniques have helped overcome more of the “clingy” behaviors. Choosing to believe that addiction is a choice (that the actions and behaviors you carry out to serve an addiction are carried out by choice) has helped a sense of empowerment: if you don’t want to be this way in life then whatever you do, choose otherwise. And a “crisis sheet” someone shared with me had a gem of a line: what is the teensy tiniest step you could take right now to move you towards where you want to be? For me, sometimes all I could muster at that point in life was turning on the bedside lamp; but it was a step toward movement, and not remaining sedentary. But self compassion, and learning to accept myself, have helped the most – accepting these tendencies and desires are there, and may remain there. Oh, last thing: being mindful that every person is an independent person, entitled and best-equipped to live out their own life. Contrawise, it’s for me to explore and discover, live and grasp mine.
That’s as best I can come up with at this present time.
Dear X,
It has been four years since I composed this post and I would love to say I have found answers and concrete steps. In actuality, I have muddled toward a bit more happiness and freedom, but the route has been more circuitous than I expected or desired. Too often I find myself falling back into my old habits of relating , reacting and responding (you probably know the agony, sweat and near illness of knowing you have intentionally made a decision that will not please someone).
Here are some things that have helped me:
1) acknowledging my propensity for affirmation addiction – being aware of it and therefore alert (kind of like the first of the twelve steps).
2) learning to trust myself and what I know to be right – learning to hear and trust a higher power.
3) changing my inner focus and perception to that of living each year as though I have been given only a year to live (see my post of Saturday, December 31, 2011 http://einefeistyberg.wordpress.com/2011/12/). This gives me unexpected confidence to just be what I am meant to be. After all, if I am terminal and only expected to live until December 31 of this year, why should I be worried about pleasing all those other folks? And really, don’t you think they should cut me some slack? Don’t you think I should cut myself some slack? If I am only going to be around for a few more months, why bother trying to make myself indispensable?
Why hold my breath waiting for applause? Time is of the essence, I have places to go things to do, people to see.
I like your suggestion to live like this year will be my last.
Great job Mom! plus.. you look hott in the picture! 😉
My personal photographer.
May be contacted through many of the links to the left; such as Post Script
Nice Photo! Who shot that one?
I’m learning so much from these posts. I think I tend to be a little on the codependent side myself, except I call it “making myself responsible for everybody else’s happiness” as you know. It triggers a lot of thinking for me…
Thanks for sharing.