Category Archives: Religion

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Religion, Spiritual Well Being

Forgiving the meddlers

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I know that to forgive does not always mean to forget.  It is not wise to forget the lesson learned through pain or crisis. 

I also know that forgiveness is essential to my personal health; mentally, emotionally, spiritually – even physically. 

I have traveled the lonely miles of grief over relationships lost; pursued the stages; learned to be angry – very angry- and not sin; learned to accept, admit, own – in short, stop blaming and forgive the most significant other involved in the pain and failure. I have tried to understand the other person and in understanding, I have even begun to be grateful for the lessons learned and grateful even to the person who hurt me most; simply through not being the person I needed him to be.

I think it impossible that a man or woman could spend decades in close relationship with another and not have residual affection, memories and understanding that aids in final forgiveness or reconciliation.

But there are others now, whom I must forgive. They are those who put their oar in, interfered, meddled, took sides and spread falsehood in their ignorance. There are those who thought God had given them the insight that what was best for them was best for me.  They scolded me as to what I ought to do.  Having a word from God, they thought it incumbent to force it on me.

Paid professional counselors, when they make recommendations; or on the rare occasion where they give advice; make it clear that there are no guarantees.  The recommendation when acted upon may or may not have the desired outcome. They do not shame or heap blame; they simply make clear the choices.

Novice busybodies on the other hand, advise from their limited information and bias with little regard for the spirit of the one they are accusing and great regard for their own opinions.  In their determination to fix you and make things line up to their sense of right; they may tell you what you need to do and say. In a pinch, if you are not responding according to their rules; they may even say or do it for you.

It is these overly helpful, zealously opinionated folks I must begin to forgive today.

Character, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Religion

I lost my sole while out walking

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October 21, 2011: I walked at length today near my new home, and though I lost my sole; I think I found at least a piece of my true soul. There are times when I walk; when the sun is shining and the temperature is perfect; that something like joy overtakes me. Have you had those excruciatingly wondrous times?  I hope so.  Occasionally it happens when I am playing the piano.  I call that playing in the spirit.  A few times, this same joy has overwhelmed me while out walking.  I like to think of it as walking with God. 

God is my absolute all time favorite walking partner. We can walk for miles and never say a word,

When I go out walking with God, he does not use the time together to scold me; to tell me what I should do.  In fact, he does not try to influence me in any way, except through gifts of good things and beauty. He doesn’t control me. No matter how fast or slow, or how long I walk, he simply bathes and restores me with nature and beauty.

I come back thinking, “I want to do this every day.”

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Fiction is Truth, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, The Petty Pace, The Rules

A Parable

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I am resolved not to haul anyone else up the mountain. Not to carry them, not to drag them, just to go up the mountain myself; baggage free. “What do you mean, you will not carry anyone up the mountain?” asked my pastor. “Let me tell you a parable,” I replied.

When I was young I saw a beautiful mountain in the distance. I could tell by the way it was shaped, where its craggy rocks were and where the purples met the greens, that this was my mountain.  This was the mountain I was meant to climb in life. When I was still in the single digits I began to prepare to climb that mountain. My parents chose the proper instructors. I trained diligently.  I received accolades for my progress and criticism to address my weaknesses.  By and by I set out on my journey toward the base of the mountain. When I had gone some distance and was becoming stronger and quite adept at orienteering, I met a tall stranger wandering in a high mountain meadow. I did not know at the time that he was wandering.  It was a busy meadow, profuse with wild flowers and the buzzing of bees. Several trails converged, crossed and separated in the meadow. The stranger was pleased to walk with me for awhile. When we came to the final fork in the road, I bid the young man adieu and headed confidently up my chosen path. “Wait a minute!” called the stranger, “I am coming with you!”

“Oh, have you trained for this mountain, too?” I asked in wonderment. “I haven’t had any specific training for this particular path,“ he replied, “I just have a feeling I should go here, and, as you can see, I am genetically fit to climb this mountain.  I want to climb this mountain.  In this case, desire is the important thing.”  We traveled together for quite some time.  He was an amiable companion   Because he was tall and muscular, he often led and blazed the trail.  Once or twice we disagreed when I took the initiative and started off in a different direction.  “Come back!” he called, “Let’s go this way!”

“The map I received in my training says this is the right way,” said I.

“What does it matter?” he argued.  “You don’t have to stick with the map. Maps are often rigid and tell you only one way.  I can make a short cut through this brush in no time and make a new path for us.”  The second time disagreement arose he just said, “Well, if you will give me the map, then I can lead us the right direction. I’ll give it back by the time you need it.”  A few days later he asked for my compass too, saying, “I’m not sure which way is north.”  I showed him how to read the map and use the compass.

At night we sat around the campfire watching the flickering flames.  “I want to be standing on top the mountain already, waving at people,” he sighed wistfully.  “I wonder if the extra weight of this compass is slowing me down?  The map seems to be taking us the long way around.”

 I woke early, but waited around for him the next morning.  Somehow it just seemed normal that we travel on together.  He was slow waking up and when he rose it was with a limp. “My knee is starting to bother me, will you lend me your walking stick?”  “Good thing I waited,” I thought, passing it over. I hadn’t used it for the past five miles anyway. He wanted to stop walking early that night and when we turned aside to a grassy place he slumped heavily to the ground and fell fast asleep.  Next morning it was hard to wake him. I shook his shoulder. “The sun’s almost up!” I said, “Time to get going.” He groaned.  “I just want to camp here for awhile and rest.”  “The season will end before we reach the top if we don’t move forward!” I said, turning toward the path. “You can’t just go off and leave me!” he cried. I hoisted him to his feet and half dragged, half carried him slowly up the path.  We advanced 200 yards that day and it was rough going because he was twice my size and he kept saying that since I wasn’t strong enough to carry him, I wasn’t really trained to climb that mountain. When it was morning again, I was unsuccessful in arousing him. I knew it was time for me to move on, alone.

That is why I am resolved to climb the mountain myself, without baggage, alone if necessary, and certainly not carrying or dragging someone else.

“But, how can you possibly finish the mountain alone?” asked my pastor. “He has the compass.”

“I will use discernment.  I have years of orienteering training in how to tell direction.  It is a gift.”  

“But, he is a man, he is strong and – he has the map.”

“He used it for toilet paper some days ago.”

“Is that love?”

“Him using my map for toilet paper?”

“No. Is it Love to say you will not stick with him and carry him up the mountain?”

“Yes.  It is love to allow anyone with two good legs to hike the mountain for himself without my doing it for him. “

“What about putting others first?”

“By putting others first, do you mean hiking their mountain for them? Carrying them up instead of hiking my own mountain? Or making sure they get to the top of the mountain ahead of me, even if I have to carry, drag or push them?”

“Well, it just sounded harsh and unloving, kind of selfish when you said you would hike your own mountain,” commented the onlooker.

“If I do not love the God of the Universe enough to obey and climb my mountain as instructed, if I neglect my mountain in the name of putting others first and hoisting them up a random mountain; where does that leave me? That is not love.  That is merely self-sacrifice.  Love, according to C.S. Lewis, is the greater virtue.”

“Yes, but often love demands self-sacrifice,” admonished the chider.

 “Who am I to decide, and control through my aiding and abetting, which mountain is someone else’s mountain to climb?  I asked.

Can I, a mere mortal, outthink God and decide what is best? Is it putting God in first place to say, ‘Oh, sorry I didn’t get done what you asked me to do, God.  Someone else wasn’t able to do their job right, so I went over to help.  That’s okay, isn’t it?  Because, I did get them up a mountain, even if I didn’t go up the one you placed in my heart.’”

The pastor shook his head, a bit perplexed and deep in thought. The chider raised her eyebrows at the passion in my voice. The onlooker rejoiced to learn what sages from other ages have written. Shakespeare penned, “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.“

One greater than Shakespeare said, “Love your neighbor as yourself. “  If I do not love myself enough to climb the mountain God gave me to climb, how will I ever know what it is to truly love my neighbor?

Character, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Home and Hearth, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Always and Forever

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A year ago I moved into this lovely townhouse.  Now, I am moving out.  The walls are bare, the rooms nearly empty.  All that remains is a tote of cleaning supplies-and the computer from which I am writing.  I’ve been dragging my feet about packing and moving. My life has been wonderful here.  Every room arranged and decorated just the way I like it, in colors that comfort me.  To take my daily walk, all I need do is lace on shoes, lock the door and dash down the drive to public lands. Here, within these walls, I found out who I am when I’m alone.  Finally, I had come to a place that met all the criteria on my list.  It was truly a gift.

 But, a gift does not always last forever! Toys break, clothes wear out, places of employment change.  My job, too, was a gift-a place to give of my passion and talent and receive in return the delighted smiles of children.  That job, gift though it was, is over.  Jobs don’t last for ever. So, I will move on.

Always and forever are very important words for parents and children, lovers, and for theologians and philosophers. Although we may allow for circumstances, locations, and methods to change; our security comes from knowing that Love will remain. But, a job or a gift?  Those are not for always and forever.

When I was young, adults used to ask me, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I gave it an inordinate amount of thought. From the questions, and other events I observed in my life I concluded that who you are and who you are meant to be was one of those once in a lifetime, momentous decisions, researched and decided on by the approximate age of 20.  After that, as I understood it, you pursued that goal with everything in you for the next 45 years, retiring at about 65.  What you were meant to be was your “calling.”  Though you had to seek arduously to find it, it was pre-determined by your creator.  Woe to you if you could not hear your call, or if you strayed from it for the remaining productive years of your adult life.

Because I understand the value to our souls and our society of  “always and forever,” and because I am dependable, conscientious, and aim for integrity; I tend to apply the always and forever commitment to other lesser things in my life. These might be my job, my goals and hobbies, my house, or even a material gift.   I just don’t know when to let go, because somehow, I thought the gift, the providence of that material thing or job, was forever.

Today, as I move forward into the unknown and the next segment of my life, I will release the job and the townhouse. I will smile, and daydream, and allow myself to be excited about my future.  In this ever changing world, one never knows what fabulous gift or dream employment may be just around the corner.

Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

Blame and Shame and Easter and Passover

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What is with me that I cannot seem to leave the guilt of a failed relationship until I have proved myself in the right?  That’s exactly what BJ did.  He proved to himself that he was in the right-that all the blame was mine-and therefore he can move on and I will shoulder the blame.  What legalists we are.  How judgmental.  How full of shame and blame for others and ourselves.  If we would just forgive ourselves; would that not do away with the necessity of finding others to blame? 

(excerpt from the work in progress, Before I Went Crazy, Cherry Odelberg, 2010).

Today I am asking myself, “Does the element of blame have to be present to prove a point?” Is blame a necessary ingredient of debate?  Is blame part of a grammatically correct sentence, a leg of logical debate, necessary to well phrased rhetoric?  Why do I insist on either laying blame or accepting blame?

Elizabeth Gilbert, in a most excellent read titled; Eat, Pray, Love (Penguin 2006) says, “…the rules of transcendence  insist that you will not advance even one inch closer to divinity as long as you cling to even one last seductive thread of blame.”

Apparently that’s why we need a savior, a redeemer, a sacrificial lamb, a scapegoat, and why we need to be reminded of this often.  As Gilbert goes on to say, “This is what rituals are for.  We do spiritual ceremonies as human beings in order to create a safe resting place for our most complicated feelings of joy or trauma, so that we don’t have to haul those feelings around with us forever, weighing us down.  We all need such places of ritual safekeeping (2006).”

So today, as the sunshine returns and we are on the edge of spring; I resolve to let go of blame; especially self-recrimination, and thus free myself of blaming others, too.  Spring is a time of rebirth. Breathe deep!  Take your first cry in a new world!

“I let go of my failure, I let go of success; I let go of perfection; I let go of this mess… Now its time to let go of my guilt; And I know its time to let go of regret; And I let go of frustration; And I forgive and forget; I release all control; and I hold nothing back…”  Kevin Decker, from the Song, Hold On, by Hail the Sound, 2010 http://www.myspace.com/hailthesound

Character, co-dependence, Goals and Dreams, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, Uncategorized

A Maverick, and Alone

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Have you ever come to a place in your thought life, where you felt like a maverick adventurer; going forward to places those around you had never been, nor ever thought of going?  Or did you find yourself, with a bit of trepidation, thinking thoughts, toying with philosophies you had been trained were dangerously wrong, maybe evil? And you felt like you were all alone; yet, you had no choice but to press forward?  Then, wonder of wonders, by chance, a book falls into your hands and in the pages you find much of your biography, your musings, attributed to a fictional character by some author halfway across the continent whom you have never met. At once you realize, with joy, that you are not alone.  That is the kind of book I want to write. This has happened to me frequently enough in my life that I want to-not return the favor, but – pass it on.

I am two chapters in to a book by Brian D McLaren, The Story We Find Ourselves In. I am finding myself in this book. I hope to go on finding myself the rest of my life. Sometime around Christmas a good friend and confidant gave me a copy of McLaren’s, A New Kind of Christian, which I thoroughly devoured and passed on to another friend. While ordering an additional copy to keep on hand, I decided to order the sequel also. I must admit, I am not a fan of sequels.  I could have been perfectly content after the first Pirates of the Caribbean, or the first National Treasure. But this second in the series by McLaren?  This is a page turner for me. I am not alone.  I have never been alone, just tardy.  I am behind the pack, somewhat due to my own late blooming characteristic, and much to the fault of those who dutifully discipled me with harangue and shame. I am an adult now, and it is time for me to mentor others and encourage them along. Many writers and scholars are ahead of me-but as fast as I read and think, I should catch them soon- even while going back to rescue breathe for others who are languishing like I was. Someday, we can all party together.

Here are some books that changed my life:  1) The Robe, by Lloyd C. Douglas; 2) Out of the Silent Planet, Perelandra, The Great Divorce, Surprised By Joy – all by C.S. Lewis; 3) A New Kind of Christian and The Story We Find Ourselves In, by Brian McLaren.

What books have changed your life? Blown off the ceiling for your dreams and philosophies?

co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Religion, Spiritual Well Being, The Petty Pace, Uncategorized

Voo Doo Prayers

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Voo Doo Prayers; I hate them. I refuse them. They release way too much negative energy into the world through thoughtless, selfish, controlling words. You know what I mean. Voo Doo prayers go something like this:
Dear God, please make Jane trip and skin her knee right here so I can help her up and be her hero.
Dear God, please help Joe’s plane to have mechanical problems so it never leaves the ground because he shouldn’t be going on that trip anyway. Dear God, do something bad or scary in John Doe’s life so he will have to call on God for help and know that I have been right about God all along…….
How much better it is to pray a recovery style prayer, “Dear God, please give Jane, or Joe, or John, knowledge of your will for their lives today and give them the power to carry it out.” Oops, I forgot to ask God to keep me in the loop and tell me what his will is for Jane’s life – how will I ever know to pray heartily for that will and what I can do to make sure Jane does that will (are you smiling?).
Voo Doo prayers; I hate them, I reject them. Someone has been meddling with my car and my computer with voodoo prayers. I reject them. Onward, straight into the wave of what positive and good (tho sometimes hard) things God has for me.

Character, Emotional Health, Politics, Religion, The Petty Pace, The Rules, Uncategorized

Rules are the answer, or, Rule number 2

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If the thought of trying to persuade or influence others fills you with anxiety; I have a solution for you:  Learn what the rules are.  Memorize them.  Once you have them memorized and you commit to doing them religiously; all you have to do to persuade or influence (or control) others is to remind them what the rules are. 

 

Then, instead of conversing and convincing, weighing information, sharing ideas, engaging in deep thought, you just decide everything by the rules.  You say, “You can’t do that!”  The other person says, “Why?”  You say, “Because it is against the rules.”  If you find yourself in a situation where you really want someone to do something for you or you want someone to do something your way, don’t bother to ask them (they might feel the freedom to say no) just make a new rule- a new application of one of the older rules.  This saves an incredible amount of discussion.  You will no longer have to waste time thinking things through. You will never have to weigh decisions; just consult the rules.

 

Example: Everyone knows that murder, stealing, adultery and the like are sins. But, what if you see me (or I see you) doing or about to do something you don’t want me to do?  Well, instead of telling me directly, “I don’t want you to do that,” it is easier to say, “The Bible says to flee the very appearance of evil; and THAT appears (appearances are terribly important here) to be bad to me, you don’t want to go against God’s rules, do you?”

 

Don’t talk about it.  Don’t engage in discussion. Of what use is discussion and talk?  Discussion might lead to compromise; and compromise, of course, is wrong, evil, a sin to be avoided. Decide what you think is right and then…Make another rule.

 

Hey, if everyone just lives by the rules; you might not even have to engage in relationships. Your character will be set for life.  You won’t have to grow or learn anything new –as long as you know the rules and simply live by them.

Addiction, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Religion, Uncategorized

Carried Shame and the Author

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The author, 2008

Originally uploaded by ein feisty Berg

During the course of the writing of my just completed novel I read a number of books about codependence and addiction; not only the usual alcoholism or chemical dependency treatises; but also writings about clean addictions such as caretaking, affirmation addiction, or the currently popular: workaholism

One reoccurring concept, pinpointed as a factor in addiction, which I at first had a hard time wrapping my mind around, was the idea of carried shame. The concept reoccurs often enough that it is safe to say it is a contributing factor in the development of codependence or addiction in an individual. That is; carried shame causes addiction. Carried shame causes the workaholism of the caretaking codependent.

As near as I understand it, carried shame is when one person does or says something abusive or shameful to another. The victim, or the recipient, sees that the perpetrator should be ashamed and is ashamed or embarrassed for them. Or perhaps the recipient is ashamed for being the one that triggered the shameful thing, revealing the flaw in the perpetrator. The victim / recipient is painfully embarrassed or ashamed for the person perpetrating the incident and carries that shame forward in life; trying to assuage the pain (cope) through a variety of ways; perhaps self-medicating with alcohol, or perhaps merely striving to be perfect.

The carrying forward of Carried Shame is most clearly seen in individuals who have suffered violent physical / sexual abuse and self medicate via chemical abuse; but carried shame can also turn up in the most unusual places.

WWJD? Is a fine thing to ask oneself. Yet, too often I have heard it used by bullies in position of authority. It goes something like this: What would Jesus do? Well I’ll tell you exactly what He would have you do. Listen up. I’ve got it all figured out. Just do exactly what I tell you to do; exactly the way I tell you to do it and you will be doing exactly what Jesus wants you to do. Slip up, do any less than precisely what I tell you and….you know where you are going.

This, this abuses the follower or the sinner shamelessly in order to manipulate them, to control them, to meet the standard of the bully, the church, the family or the organization. And this, I believe, causes pain and fear and carried shame.

Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Religion, The Petty Pace, Uncategorized

The Prayer that Never Fails

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Father Tim and Cynthia are fond of praying it (the prayer that never fails) in Jan Karon’s Mitford series.
I was taught to pray something like it during my growing up years: “Thy will be done”
Trouble is, in my adult years it began to seem like a cop-out; a way that every prayer is always answered; whether one agrees with the outcome or not.  Come boldly to the throne of Grace became, “He’s going to do it His way anyhow, so why even ask?” Then the pendulum swung back the other way, “Name it and claim it! Believe and all things are yours!” After that came a number of difficult years in which I thought things through, decided what needed to happen, and then prayed specifically; pleaded, begged, bargained, and yes; tried to manipulate the behaviors of others through prayer. Finding myself impotent to control the wrong behaviors of significant people through my prayers; I regressed to “He’s going to do it His way anyhow, so why even ask?” I withdrew from the great conversation and left the Sovereign to run the universe His way.