April 6,

Today is Paul Hawkins’ birthday.  Happy Birthday, Paul! You probably don’t know who Paul Hawkins is.  To my knowledge, he never became a celebrity or distinguished himself in any manner other than raising a family and doing the work that was given him to do under the sun.

He was my boyfriend the year I was seven and oh, how I loved him.  He seemed to see deeply into my soul and I into his. We were to be married someday.  We talked of it and planned.   We took our vows. The next year, he was someone else’s boyfriend, another’s the year after that. With his wry sense of humor and moral steadiness, he was popular with the girls. My feeling of connection and loyalty lasted considerably longer than one year.

Given that I have two failed marriages on my record and Paul has celebrated decades of anniversaries with a high school sweetheart, it would be unfair to cast myself as the more loyal person.  I am not sure precisely where he lives today, nor what has been his occupation for the past forty years.  So, why is it I remember his birthday, yet have to drill myself to remember special dates for close friendships formed in adulthood?

Let’s leave that question for later, or give it to the analysts or folks who study aging and memory. Or use it for a debate point for educators anxious to cram content into the brains of children while they are still young and fresh. But to the educators I give this disclaimer: I don’t remember Stevie’s or Russel’s birthdays.  (Stevie and Russel were my loves in first grade.  I haven’t seen either of them since 1961.)

Recently, I spoke with a 20-something woman who is still single. She dreams of marrying someone she has known over the long haul, in many settings, through joy and grief, hard work and leisure; someone with whom she shares a lot of activities and interests in common, including the past. Shared history is a plus to a relationship.

I have cousins who married childhood sweethearts, pursued meaningful careers and are now enjoying the retirement years together. They also shared certain values.

On the other hand, I know some friends and relatives who married in haste, not knowing enough about the other.  They spent the rest of their lives trying to adapt and learn to get along; determined to be the right person since they didn’t marry the right person.

So, what if you find yourself of marriageable age, your goals and dreams include having a family, but you don’t have an available friend of the opposite sex with whom you grew up?  Are you doomed to a life of singleness or mismatched misery? Most certainly not!

I also know some people (I have a whole passel of relatives) who did not meet a soulmate until education was finished and career begun, yet the relationship blossomed quickly and they felt they had known each other forever.  Their interests and values were aligned. They possessed an abundant ability to love and be loved in return.

So, why do I remember that today is Paul Hawkins’ birthday? I think it has to do with who I am now – an old lady with a full memory chip. At the age of seven, his was the first birthday outside my own and those of Mom, Dad and Brother, that went into my memory cache.  Teachers and musicians know that the first and last things you hear stick with you best. It is the stuff in the middle, the transition and development, that gets bogged down and foggy.  I’ve had a long transition and development.