Character, co-dependence, Emotional Health, Family, Health and Long Life, Metaphor, Uncategorized

Life is like a pair of eyeglasses

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Many years ago – in a past life – I worked as a dispensing optician.  Yes, I was certified to help people see clearly – to improve their vision.  I’d like to think that is what I still do through my writing, my music and my work.

Life is like a pair of eyeglasses.  Sometimes the thing you think will work is exactly the opposite of what is needed.  “My glasses are sliding down my nose.  Tighten them up,” is a common request heard by an optician. There are several adjustment options for loose frames; tighten screws, bend the earpieces, curve the front – or the front corners – to name a few. But in reality, if the glasses are sliding down the nose, the frames may be adjusted too tight.  It is like squeezing a water balloon; the tighter you squeeze, the more the water escapes and bulges on either side of your grip.

Relationships are like that, also.  You can hold on to people you love too tightly – or too loosely – with equal result.  Either extreme and someone dear may slip out of your grasp, be jettisoned away like a Tiddlywink.

Recently, someone endeavored to remind me that relationships take self-sacrifice; giving up of some (or all) things you want to do personally in order to give more to the relationship or family. I agree.  I am no stranger to self-sacrifice.

However; life is like a pair of eyeglasses.  Sometimes the thing you think will work is exactly the opposite of what is needed .

You can never love too much-but you can hold too tight.

You can never love too much – but you can do too much.

You can never love too much – but you can smother another’s initiative when you steal their opportunity to give reciprocally by your insistence on giving all.

Character, Goals and Dreams, The Rules, Uncategorized

Influence and power to better the world

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Last week, I watched a football movie – The Blind Side.  It was more, much more than a football movie.  It was a movie about power and influence and talent; charity and loyalty; opportunity and emotional healing.  And yes, it was a rags to riches story.  Financial wealth played a key role.  Money made possible many things – for both the teenage foundling and his mentors; but the integral message I got was about the incredible influence and power of one woman to change the world. Even the money came from nature and nurture.

I am a huge nature AND nurture believer.

In my lifelong pursuit to find out what makes my children tick; the purpose was to tailor my nurture to give them the tools they needed to succeed. Why do I remain skeptical of power? Why does power get such a bad rap from me?

Yes, money is power.

Intellect is power.

Beauty is power.

Physical strength is power.

Talent is power

Why don’t I own my power? Because power gets what it wants.

I was taught – and somehow have always believed – it’s not nice to get your own way.  Is that true? What if I ruled my household as a Southern matriarch; getting what I want because it is righteous and good?

Is all power a bad thing; or just the abuse of power?  Power, like money, gets what it wants.  Is money the root of all evil?  Or just the love of money above all else?

A little power – like a little wine – can be a good thing.  It’s the intoxicated or drunken part that is abusive.

Owning your power is different than assuming power; just as self-confidence is not the same as arrogance.

Owning your power does not mean seizing or amassing power so much as it is using what power you have. Am I using my power to best advantage?

Do I have wants?  Yes.  Do I have needs?  Yes.

Why don’t I get what I want or need?  Because I will not utilize my power.

What power do you have?  Are you comfortable with it? Luxuriating in it?  Using it as your gift to the world?

Pick up the power tools.   It feels good to use – not abuse or neglect-your gifts. 

Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

Mid-Fall is for the birds

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So stunningly beautiful, I forgot to fumble for my camera. I watched, mesmerized waiting for a second flash of the red tail that captured my attention at first.  A five-foot span of downy white underside, the color of an expensive sheepskin rug, lifted on the breeze and soared above me; spiraled, ever more distant toward the rising sun.  It was a red-tailed hawk, female by the size, soaring on the morning thermals about an hour after sunrise.

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Last weekend, a Dusky Blue Grouse came to visit us at work. Dendragapus obscurus does find a place on the bird list at Colorado National Monument, but sightings are listed as accidental / casual and then only in winter season.  She must have become separated from her flock, we surmised. On Sunday morning, she continued to haunt the outskirts of the visitor center.  Several times she flew at the window as if trying to bond with her reflection. She seemed confused, disoriented, bereft. Or am I projecting?

When the morning sun is at just the right angle, windows can be deadly for birds.  During the same hour the Blue Grouse was pursuing her reflection, a small, sparrow-like bird came to grief and sat stunned for several minutes regathering its bearings and equilibrium. Finally, it flew away.Image

Meanwhile, the dusky hen made her way around the building and chowed down on some juniper berries.  At least she is not starving in her solitary situation.

Yesterday, while hiking, I saw a fair number of Pinion Jays – but they will never sit still long enough to get a picture.  Frankly, I have no desire to trick them with windows or mirrors; nor delay my progress on the chance one will forget my presence and alight close by. It is enough to know I am the only human in a one-mile radius.  I am content to enjoy without capturing so much as a photo.

The Desert Bighorn Sheep, it seems, really do own the road.  They have even learned to read.  Not often that I see six or seven rams bringing up the rear of a heard of 40 or more sheep.Image

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Denied the privilege to grieve

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I  am currently at work on a story about a woman named Precious (you can read the first chapter in the tab above).  Many of her capable, dependable and charitable efforts are expressed in the phrase, “Why cry about it if you can do something about it?”

This is a call to action; and a victorious vision to leave off being the victim – to quit feeling hopeless. I am rethinking Precious’ character – wondering if in her ownership of her emotion and actions she is denying herself some healing grief.

I have a friend who each year honors the anniversary of the passing of her late husband with a fresh, but maturing grief.  Even though they were legally separated at the time of his death; the loss of decades of relationship and shared memories is very real.

Another friend was called to the bedside of her ex-husband as he lay dying. There, they made peace, and reciprocated forgiveness. He had been a jerk and both were long remarried. Did she grieve his passing?  Yes.  Some might have said to her,

“What’s there to grieve?  He was a jerk.  Now he is gone.”

Or to the one who left, “You made your own bed, you can lie in it.”

There is much to grieve in this world.  Each person, jerk or not, has value.  Whether it was a good relationship or a bad relationship – it was a relationship.

You think the founding fathers didn’t grieve at being separated from England?  Mother England with the delicious stiffness of tea-time?  Did that stop them from pursuing and insisting on freedom?  Do you think the enabler who decides to leave a spouse suffering with addiction does not grieve?

When you grieve.  Grieve heartily. Weep well.Things ungrieved weigh you down.  It is such a weight to not have the privilege to grieve.

Sure, some, seeing your grief, are bound to wag their heads and say, “Look how (s)he weeps.  (S)he is coming to her senses.”

Don’t let them deny you the privilege of grieving the things that were – or the things that might have been. 

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What do I want? I want a fan club.

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The other day I was driving home from work, exhausted and hungry and I had a rogue thought.  “I need a man.”  I call this a rogue thought because I am quite at home with singleness and independence. What did I really want? The comforts of home?  A hot meal waiting?  A foot rub?  Something to relax me and take my mind off the day?  Perhaps some  intelligent conversation?  Ah, maybe some affirmation and acknowledgement for all my hard work.

I have a single friend who, growing desperate, has been known to lament, “I just want to be taken care of.”  I discussed this with my cousin, a woman happily married forty years.  We looked at each other askance. No, we do not just want to be taken care of.  We are doers. We like to do things our way.  We love the exhilaration of plotting, planning and executing. 

Truth is, after 40 plus years as an adult, I am very aware that all the comforts save one are readily available for lawful purchase, with or without a man. There is only one that requires a man. Even then, it is doubtful physical intimacy would satisfy while other basic needs remain neglected. 

If I had a man, would there be a hot meal waiting?  A foot rub? Companionship to take away the cares of the day and encourage me?  Some affirmation and acknowledgement of my efforts at the office? Resounding applause? 

Nah!  I don’t need a man.  I need a fan club.

 
Character, Emotional Health, Health and Long Life, The Rules, Uncategorized

To Say I’m Sorry

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It is no exaggeration to say I have been on both extremes of the pendulum when it comes to saying, I’m sorry.  If the pendulum swings in an arc, I have been on the outer reaches of all 360 degrees of the circumference.

As a  child, it was extreme emotional punishment to be made to say I’m sorry.  It made me squirm. Sorry for what?  For things I didn’t do; but somebody got their feelings hurt and demanded retribution. Resistance was futile.

“Do you want a spanking?  Then say you’re sorry and be quick about it.”

What’s a child to do?  You hang your head, all the time feeling only the injustice of it. You mutter out, “I’m sorry.”

But was I really sorry?  No.  I needed to escape that squirmy feeling. I was sorry I had to yield to someone else’s petty demands.

Sometimes the dialogue goes this way:

Me:  “I’m sorry.”

The Offended: “Are you really sorry? Cause if you are truly sorry, you won’t ever do it again.”

Won’t do what again?  Hurt your feelings or offend unwittingly?

As I grew into the relationships of young adulthood, I learned to use I’m sorry as a tool, to say it quickly and often; to assume ownership of infractions that were not mine.

But it came with a price; loss of myself. Not only did the words I’m sorry accept the blame for whatever disagreement was immediately at hand; I’m sorry continued to mean I will never do it again.  I will never cross you again.  I will never disagree with you. I will try my utmost to second-guess what you want so that I never displease you. To say I’m sorry inevitably meant; I was wrong.

Even now, in an attempt to people-please, I catch myself indulging in the false humility I’m sorry. This is the one that comes across as obsequious, submissive, I wouldn’t want to get in your way, but I just did. A better word-choice would be, excuse me or pardon me.

Other “I’m Sorrys,” crossed my path. There were times a person close to me needed to be called to account or challenged. At those times, I heard the words, “I’m sorry, ok?” spoken in a tone that indicated, “now get off my back.”  That tone, I think, does not really mean I’m sorry.

Nor does this:

Spouse: I said I’m sorry.  You know how hard it is for me to say I’m sorry.

Response:  So?  The difficulty excuses you and makes the apology count for more?

Once, I heard a man say to his wife, “I said I was sorry.  That means you can’t bring it up ever again.”  Say what?  You can put a moratorium on ever talking about it again by arbitrarily saying, “I’m sorry?”

To this man, “I’m Sorry” is a legal injunction which says, “you can’t expect anything more out of me on this subject.  You can’t bring it up ever again.”

I wonder; did he mean his apology?  Did he ever make amends?

Speaking of spouses and relationships, I can hear the music now:

“Love means you never have to say you’re sorry

Love means without a word you understand.” 

It sounded comforting from the Sounds of Sunshine, and gorgeously idealistic as it dropped insipidly from the lips of The Lettermen in the seventies. I wanted to love and be loved in that idealistic, magnanimous way. Perhaps John Lennon was the realist here, “Love means saying you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.”

There comes a time when making amends is key. When a person is truly sorry for something they have done; when they are willing to take ownership and make amends; when they voluntarily promise – to the best of their ability – not to hurt again. Especially when a person takes action to make up for the hurt – those times are life-changing, relationship changing and therefore world-changing.

After five plus decades, I am still hesitant to say I am sorry.  Why?  Because the words are so easily misconstrued.

Me: I’m sorry.

(S)he: That’s more like it.  Now we’ll get down to business and do it my way.

Me:  I’m sorry.

(S)he: Well, what are you going to do about it?

Me:  I’m sorry.

(S)he:  You’re just saying that because you didn’t like the results.

Sometimes, there is nothing I can do to fix it, because I didn’t do anything in the first place.

Other times, I am not sorry for what I did; but I am sorry for the hurt to others.  And you know what?  I think you can be sorry without admitting guilt. Truth is, we all have places in our lives where we need or want to say I’m sorry. It has happened before and it will happen again.  At the moment, I am deeply sorry for the pain and relational carnage to bystanders caused by some of my actions. I am not sorry for the actions I took.  I am sorry that others were hurt by the actions I took to protect myself.

These days, when I say I am sorry, it does not mean things can go back to the way they were.  It does not mean I’ll never do it again.  It does not mean I was wrong and we will do it your way.

It means I will never put myself in a position for that to happen again.

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A Vow of Silence

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Last week, on Novel Matters; a writer’s blog I visit with frequency; the question was asked, “Where do you find quiet?” For me, the answer is simple; I find quiet most often in solitary hikes. 

In keeping with that answer, today I took a ramble down Rough Canyon. The scenery was stunning;  the quiet, deafening (except for the mountain lion in the brush that turned out to be a scrub jay).  My inner being was whispering, “I am listening.  I am listening.”

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Along the way, I acknowledged two things:

1) Sometimes you have to go deep into the woods (or the canyon) to find your soul – or God; whichever was lost

2) Over the last few months, without realizing it, I seem to have taken a vow of silence.

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Earlier this evening, a couple of friends from a quartet in which I used to sing dropped by.  It was good to see them.  We caught up on bits and pieces of news.  I showed them my favorite clips of Pentatonix.  We shared our mutual love for the transcendence that happens when musicians do music with excellence. And then one of them asked, “what are you singing these days?”

I laughed ruefully and answered, “I think I may have taken a vow of silence.”

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Singing is not something I do well alone. Harmony is my favorite part. Besides, I’ve had a couple of uncomfortable experiences lately when my voice failed me.  Once, when I tried to imitate a popular singer for a piano student and the other time when I tried to sing along to my own piano accompaniment at a nursing home. With nine years experience teaching music in the classroom, both these outcomes are out of character. Without realizing it, I entered a self-imposed vow of silence.

Writing is a solitary activity which I love and which feeds my soul.  There again, I have been partially silenced by letting the cares and duties of the rest of the world encroach. 

Walking is also an activity I enjoy best alone.  Walking nourishes my soul. Music, the love of my life, requires copious amounts of alone rehearsal time; yet, when it comes time to perform, I must break the silence.

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A vow of silence can be a good thing when it’s time to self-examine or listen.  On the other hand, you may have made false rules, beliefs or punishments for yourself if a vow of silence creeps up and overtakes you unnoticed.  

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The relationship between Yearn, Long, Hunger, Desire

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The other day when I was walking Upper Liberty Cap, I realized that I was hungry. Surprised?  I was nearly two hours in and beginning the more strenuous descents which would require the same, if not more, exertion on the way out.

There was a time in my life I avoided exercise and exertion for this very reason; it made me hungry.  Hunger made me eat. Hunger made me grab the quickest food in sight and stuff it in my mouth.  Eating desperately and nervously in this way made me gain weight. Gaining weight made it less possible to fulfill the other desires in my life; beauty, love, well-being, acceptance…

These words are closely related:  Yearn, Long, Hunger, Desire.  Choose any to fill in the blank and you have similar meaning.

After the rain, Upper Liberty Cap
After the rain, Upper Liberty Cap

I __________for food.

I __________for love.

I __________for rest or relief.

I __________for sleep.

I __________for society.

I __________for meaning.

I __________for spiritual things.

There is a tendency to substitute them in our lives; to cope by consuming one in place of the other. However, they do not have the exact same outcome.  If I yearn and have not, I shall be sad.  If I hunger and have not, I shall starve. If I yearn and sate it with eating, I become fat. Worse, even, to substitute a chemical substance and become dependent in my quest for fulfillment of legitimate needs and desires.

Upper Liberty Cap Trail
Upper Liberty Cap Trail

Unlike the unsated hungers that cause addiction, when I became hungry on my hike, I was craving good things, healthful food. The exertion brought out the best in me.

There are times hunger is a good thing. The person who does not exert himself / herself never feels hunger.  Desire is put to sleep in an apathetic trance.

An apathetic person never feels the exhilaration of goals achieved, personal best or excellence.

The hunger I felt on my walk was genuine physical hunger for food.  Good food. My yearning for beauty was abundantly satisfied. Every bone and muscle felt the exhilaration of exertion. My longing to commune with the spiritual and touch the deep things of the created universe was sated. I had achieved a personal goal (hiking all the trails in the Colorado National Monument).

That is the kind of Hunger, Desire, Yearning, and Longing I wish for you. May your desire push you to achieve your goals and dreams. May your hunger be for good things.   May your yearnings and longings be sated with the best life and love and beauty have to offer.

Emotional Health, Goals and Dreams, Health and Long Life, Uncategorized

Hiking the minor bucket list

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It was a milestone that passed without fanfare; a sort of minor bucket-list item I had been working on since May of 2012.  I began work at the Colorado National Monument Visitor Center in mid-May last year.  At the interview, they asked me if I was familiar with  the many trails in the Monument.  I assured them I had hiked Serpent’s Trail and Devil’s Kitchen. Looking back, I am surprised they didn’t laugh at me outright.  There are at least 22 trailheads.

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Walking is a favorite activity. I love mountains, Nature’s beauty, the out-of-doors. My first year on Facebook (2008), the end-of-year stats wrap up indicated “walk” was my most used word.  Not bad for a musician.  Not bad for a writer.  Walking is my meditation and inspiration time, an hour or so devoted to ironing out the kinks in my thinking or feeling. Somewhere around the time I moved from beach to high desert, my walks turned into hikes. It helped that my house was located on rigorous mountain bike trails. Then came the cashier job in the heart of National Park Service public lands.

As I drove to my job on Saturdays and Sundays last year, I became fascinated with the various historic trails and scenic sites I passed. Curious, I took detours on the way home and began to seek out new hikes on my days off.

Two weeks ago as one of our recent Colorado monsoons ebbed, I sat out to explore Upper Liberty Cap Trail – my last frontier. Seated back in my car 3 1/2 hours later I realized I can now say I have hiked every marked trailhead in Colorado National Monument. That is a milestone! Without further ado, here is picture proof.

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Upper Liberty Cap Trail after the rain
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Monument Canyon from Canyon Rim Trail
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Independence Monument from Upper Monument Canyon Trail
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The view from Otto’s Trail
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Ute Canyon Trail
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No Thoroughfare Canyon – above the first pool and heading toward the waterfall in May
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Monument Canyon from The Island
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A peek inside Devil’s Kitchen
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Black Ridge in the winter
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Liberty Cap from lower Liberty Cap Trailhead
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Leadership and the New Kid on the Block

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I completed my university degree later in life – focused on using it toward the goal of writing and teaching music. The formal words on my diploma read, “Organizational Management – Leadership.”  Over the years, I have observed and experienced the benefits of servant leadership / leadership with love and wisdom; as well as the opposite. Here is what I think.

No matter your rank on the leadership ladder; if you are the new kid on the block, you must learn “the way we have always done it,” before the old timers will hear what you have to say regarding the new and improved. 

No matter how analytical you are, nor how clearly you can see what needs to happen; cool and aloof, behind the scenes changes are probably not going to accomplish all you were hired to change.  You need to add some extrovert to your introvert. At some point, you will have to rub shoulders with the good old boys and build a social relationship.

Many things are taught by example, but others do need to be addressed directly. Just because emergency surgery is effective and must be done to eradicate some practices; there is no reason for becoming knife happy and leveling the entire organization.  Remodels take time.  You may have to model and remodel again and again. 

In the beginning, (when you are the new kid on the block) it’s going to take a bit more of your personal time – whether you are on salary or hourly wages.

You must eliminate perfectionism as your goal and replace it with excellence.  Then, as you model again and again; it will be necessary to articulate the goal in an inspiring way.     You may have to explain clearly.  The challenge becomes how to speak plainly without being condescending. 

And all the while, keep asking yourself, “Am I leading by serving? Just doing enough to get the job done? Demanding that others do it my way, at my speed? Am I constantly jockeying for position, or am I leading in love?

 

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other, Hiking for Life!