co-dependence | Cherry Odelberg

I suspect many of us have spent our whole lives moping about crooning, “Where is love?” rather than asking, “What is Love?” Just what exactly am I searching for? Waiting for? Languishing without? What is love?

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds”

In light of that definition have I ever been loved? Have you? In a Shakespearian way? Exactly what does he mean? Does he mean the love is so strong it does not go away when it finds a blemish, an alteration in the beloved? Or does he mean love does not try to change or alter the beloved when it spies something out of the ordinary?

“Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not…”

Why is it easier to discern what is NOT love, than to state clearly what is?

Here’s a bit of tuneful wisdom from Older Ladies by Donnalou Stevens.

Are there any age limits on love? Is it only for the young?

Lana Del Ray sings, Will you still love me when I’m no longer young and beautiful?

I particularly like the phrase, “I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will.” I have to admit, no. I have never been loved that securely. Yes. There are those who have said they loved me, but, you know, alterations.

I wonder; does familiarity breed contempt? Is the idealistic pure and chaste from afar the only guarantee? After all, as long as love remains unrequited, you alone may chose to remain true, without the responsibilities or constraints of a mutual relationship. Is consummation the death knell for love and interest? Do you agree with Elizabeth Bennet that one good sonnet will kill off love?

What does it profit you to play hard to get right up to the alter – and then lose his love only because you secured him?

Jane Austen tends to write heroes and heroines who continue to love tenaciously against all odds. But is everlasting love an old idea limited to 18^th century novels?

Do not discount the fidelity of today’s young. Though old, I am privileged to have friends in their 20s. Some, though young and worldly, would never cheat. That would not be love. One loves strong enough to carry a torch for a lifetime, with or without a resolution. Another 20-something of my acquaintance is fated to be in love with someone already taken – yes, married, and yet chooses to remain honorably silent. While you can neither suppress or conjure feelings of love, you can choose your actions.

My fate is of a different nature altogether. Have I ever really loved?

There were times I began to love. Something got in the way.

I fear that if love is freely given, it can be freely taken away. So I panic and grasp and rush to people pleasing – to codependence – to insure that doesn’t happen. Guess what? It dies on me. Either I smother the beloved, or I burn myself out. That is not love. But what is?

If you have ever been on the care-taker side of codependent; continuously putting the needs of others above your own, you need to see this movie.

The message of “27 Dresses” was one I sorely needed to hear. It was about loyalty and persevering in service to others-to a fault. It was about a journalist who intuitively pointed out the flaw of the caretaker and, deft as a counselor, kept his focus on the issue and the cure. It was about a best friend who admits her own moral compass does not always point due north, but still cares enough to hold Jane accountable.

In the movie “27 Dresses” Jane finally learns to speak up for herself. The things she says are truths that need to be spoken. But, she does it all wrong. Her friend Casey points out that she unleashed 20 years of hurt in a cruel way. Instead of just going straight to the person and speaking the truth, Jane waited until she was completely angry and then exposed her sister publicly. People suffered. Jane suffered. Some important relationships were nearly lost.

I have been there before; both on the job and in the home. It is a place where you perform a small intervention (as it was termed in communications class), but something goes wrong. Either you do it horribly wrong or it is received in the worst possible way. The result is a complete and absolute end of the relationship. Talking has no result. Apologies go unheeded. Reconciliation and restoration are out of the question.

Why is it so hard for a people pleaser – someone who really does care about others- to speak directly? How is it we think that covert hints are better than direct confrontation; clever exposures more valid than courageously speaking our own needs? Is it wise to keep stuffing our own wants until we explode in overkill? As a result of covert, clever overkill; I have been accused of being mean and controlling for exposing the weaknesses and deceit of others, when I most want to be known as a loving and accommodating person.

“27 Dresses” is also a story about second chances. It turned out alright. Jane was contrite about doing it wrong and she immediately acted on doing things right to the favor of her future. Her sister took the chance to hear and be heard and it benefitted her future behavior as well. Both were better people for truth spoken and heeded.

Some things I covet from 27 Dresses:

1) friends who stick with you and hold you accountable until you do the right thing the right way; family who loves unconditionally, and the chance to keep practicing until you get it right.

2) to be like Jane, tirelessly doing unto others what I would have them do for me.

3) to be so true to myself that it raises the bar of loving my neighbor as I love myself.

Pretty strong messages for a chick-flick, don’t you think?

Cherry Odelberg

Tag Archives: co-dependence

What is Love?

27 Dresses, chick flick with a message

Putting One Foot in Front of the Other, Hiking for Life!