And now there are four. Four creative intellectuals, serious about their craft. Real writers taking the ups and downs–and rejections! After all, rejections are tangible proof that we are, indeed, writers!
Category Archives: Goals and Dreams
Crossing Bridges to Our Future
Originally uploaded by ein feisty Berg
It seems like the older I get (the ages of any two of the other writers approximate mine) the more bridges there are to cross–or are those bridges merely adventures on the way to completion of 10 things I want to do before I die?
NOT on the BUCKET List
Forget the negative things for a moment and consider with me: A lot of great things happen in life that are NOT on one’s Bucket List. When you made that goal list (for instance, in high school) did you ever dream all the GOOD experiences you would have between that time and this? Sure you were told, “You can be anything you want to be!” But, did you really know all the things you would be between then and now? Did you even know the possibilities existed for some of the fabulous things you have experienced? A valid, thoughtful list of “ten things I want to do before I die,” or “list of things I want to do before I kick the bucket,” is made only after one tastes a bit of life, makes a few detours, and refocuses priorities. Take this picture of my dad with ALL my children and ALL my grandchildren. They are one of life’s greatest joys; yet, as a very young adult, I would never have dreamed of putting them on the list beyond a casual, “get married and have kids.”
Raising Great Kids; or, Did I Say That?
We had to arrange some creative transportation last Tuesday night; what with 3 adults (two young and one old) and one car. I wanted to go to Sweet Adelines and Philip; as video editor, had a summer meeting for the school newspaper. We ladies dropped him off at the college library and then proceeded across town where Andrea dropped me off at rehearsal. The plan was that she would be on call to pick up Philip and, in any case, would pick me up at 9:15 P.M.
My rehearsal ended about 9:00. Not wanting to wait outside in the dark, I hung back for society, cookies and ice cream; a time of bidding a moving member good-bye. Sweet Adelines make music and friendship par excellence, so a number of women engaged me in conversation. One member passed by and said, “I gave your children some cookies. I hope you don’t mind. They were sitting so quietly, waiting.” “My children? Are you sure?” I had not seen them come in, and frankly, at 17 ½ and nearly 20, I am no longer used to being asked if it is OK to give them a cookie🙂 I found two teenagers sitting in a dark foyer engaged in quiet sibling conversation. “Have you been waiting long?” I asked. “Oh, about 10 minutes,” said Andrea, “But we thought it was important to give you time to socialize, after all, that’s what you always say to us, ‘You can have a few more minutes to socialize.’” “I say that?” I asked, incredulously. Andrea nodded, “All the time.” I guess it seemed like such a natural thing to do, that I didn’t remember saying it. I do it because friendships are important and my kids are important. And, you know what? Now I feel important too!
Affirmation Addiction
I am a life-long affirmation addict. I am so addicted that I sacrifice who I am just to be who “they” want me to be in order to receive affirmation and applause. I behave well in an attempt to control the emotional responses of the other. If I am good at what I do; no one will ever be angry with me. If I am really, really, good; they might even applaud me or better yet; absolutely love me!
Manipulation
As much as I love praise and affirmation, I hate it when someone controls or manipulates me with it; when someone withholds attention or shames me for being who I am and then praises or thanks me excessively when I am finally who they want me to be; when I finally do life the way they want me to do it.
I care too much about what other people think. I want them to think I am nice; intelligent, fair and just, good looking, cool. If I cannot make them think those things about me; if they hate me; then life is not worth living. Its just like driving. I hate driving because I cannot control the other drivers. I try to drive perfectly. Surely if I am perfect in my driving no one will blare their horn at me, holler, flip me off, or tailgate; right?
There is a difference between working one’s tail off doing what one loves to do, doing the best job possible; and sucking up, knocking oneself out doing something one does or doesn’t like to do–just to receive the praise, affirmation, or reward from someone else.
Step 6 of the twelve steps says, “We are entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” Melody Beattie adds, “We decide we are ready to take a risk, and let go of these outdated behaviors and attitudes (Codependent No More, Beattie, 1987).”
This affirmation addiction; this being who other people want me to be. These are outmoded ideas and behaviors.
“If we weren’t trying to control whether a person liked us, or his or her reaction to us, what would we do differently?… What haven’t we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self-denial would influence a particular situation or person? (Beattie,1990, The Language of Letting Go, p. 115).”
Captain Jack Leaves the Island
“But where’s the rum?” is an oft quoted line from Pirates of the Caribbean
It is doubtful Pirate Jack would have been willing to leave the island if the rum had not run out. I think that’s the way it is with most people, including me. We are reluctant to leave a bad job, relationship, house, church, country, you name it; until the thing we are most dependant on runs out; no longer exists. That thing can be money, security, affirmation, sex, or other significant or seemingly insignificant thing. When it runs out we finally find the courage to slough off all the debris of the launch stages that have supported us this far and rocket on toward who we are meant to be next.
But where’s the rum?
The Prayer that Never Fails
Father Tim and Cynthia are fond of praying it (the prayer that never fails) in Jan Karon’s Mitford series.
I was taught to pray something like it during my growing up years: “Thy will be done”
Trouble is, in my adult years it began to seem like a cop-out; a way that every prayer is always answered; whether one agrees with the outcome or not. Come boldly to the throne of Grace became, “He’s going to do it His way anyhow, so why even ask?” Then the pendulum swung back the other way, “Name it and claim it! Believe and all things are yours!” After that came a number of difficult years in which I thought things through, decided what needed to happen, and then prayed specifically; pleaded, begged, bargained, and yes; tried to manipulate the behaviors of others through prayer. Finding myself impotent to control the wrong behaviors of significant people through my prayers; I regressed to “He’s going to do it His way anyhow, so why even ask?” I withdrew from the great conversation and left the Sovereign to run the universe His way.
The Prayer that Brings PEACE
It is hidden deep in the twelve steps of AA and other addiction groups and it has become, for me, the prayer that brings peace:
Pray only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out (Beattie, 1987, Codependent No More, p. 175, step 11b)
I am not an alcoholic, nor have I been married to one, so it was almost an accident that I found this step; nevertheless; it brings Peace. Peace from controlling, peace from manipulating, peace from striving to do everything in my own strength.
It is at once enlightening and empowering. It is like being gifted with a powerful flashlight and spyglass at the outset of a grand adventure. I, as the seeker of knowledge and truth, scramble around, poking in every nook and cranny for knowledge of His will and investigating the most outrageous places for the power to carry it out. He is after all, Omniscient and Omnipresent so one never knows where truth or power will turn up next.
Words for Today
Do not neglect your gift…. Be diligent in these matters; give yourself wholly to them, so that everyone may see your progress (I Timothy 4:14..15)
Excellent, encouraging, motivating words for this author! My wish for you also, the blog reader: may your path be made plain and direction clear this day!
My novel is at 203 pages! This is great progress. Today I do the third draft.
Life as an adventure
Live life like an adventure. Well, that sounds like fun; but I fear that my attitude more often lines up with the old Holiday Inn commercial which said, “The best surprise is no surprise.”
Both Andrea and Philip have been on spring break this past week and we really wanted to do something special. Florida and the beach maybe? No, that has never been in reach. Train ride to San Francisco? Dream on! A quick look in the bank account ruled out overnight trips altogether-we were lucky to find gas money to get Andrea home. So, on Tuesday we took a drive over the Colorado National Monument near Fruita; stopped to eat our picnic lunch at Artist’s point and then hiked to the Coke Ovens formation. It was a nice easy hike and our energy was a gift of the wonderful sunshine and our recent move to lower elevation. Returning to the fork in the trail, we decided to explore the monument canyon route; lengthy and more challenging. A quick check of Andrea’s IPOD at the floor of the canyon reveled that we needed to hoof it back to the car in order for Philip and me to arrive at work on time. Back UP the zig-zag trail we hurried. Whew! On arriving at the car we were relieved to find an hour to spare and disappointed to find a $7.00 entry fee waiting for us as we exited the national park. We learned two lessons: 1) National Parks charge all year long 2) Its not wise to take on a full scale hike before moonlighting at serving, bussing, and scrubbing floors Cinderella style. Philip and I ended up bone weary and exhausted.
So, Wednesday we did the only sensible thing: We headed for the hot springs and adventure number two.