I love it when people get their needs met; the perfect meal, a soul mate love, a forever home, a fulfilling job, the “ah, ha!” moment in education when the light goes on – the one thing that satisfies so fully it propels them on to fuller life.
I am fascinated by what makes people tick, Mozart and the brain, how to reach students with ADHD, learning to speak another person’s learning language be it visual, auditory, kinesthetic.
So I watched with interest as a young man marketed a breakthrough in how to reach Aspergers.
In a nutshell? Meet their needs. The young man displayed an Aspergers sensory funnel model (which juxtaposes nicely with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs) and explained how students, children and people in general learn or receive optimally once you meet their basic needs.
It is a compelling thought for teachers and caretakers, yet something in me still asks, Who meets the needs of the caretakers of the world? Have they no needs?
Are the caretakers complete and perfect persons? Those who have already arrived? In every type relationship, reciprocity must happen. There is a payoff, a reward of some type.
I love being a caretaker, I really do. But, there comes a time my well is empty. Who refills my well? Can I do it alone? Everybody needs a reward-a payoff.
What is your payoff? Money? Prestige? Power? Acknowledgement? Love? Applause? Feeling good about yourself? What motivates you?
I used to hate water. But my body needed it and persisted in letting me know through thirst. Often, I mistook the intense need to ingest something as craving for food when what I really needed was to hydrate myself.
So too, I somehow came to regard sex as affirmation. Just as everyone needs water, we all need affirmation. Yet, a physical relationship is not the exclusive fix for emotional fulfillment. In fact, relationships can be quite unreliable as sources of affirmation.
Perhaps my greatest achievement over the past decades is my proper response to feeling thirsty, hungry or desperate.
Nowadays I keep a water bottle handy, drink heartily and then see if I am still hungry. When I am truly hungry, I make wiser choices of foods that nourish. When I have been a little short on affirmation and am therefore craving a relationship; I acknowledge that need and turn to other options. Maybe creating a story or time spent journaling will give perspective. Perhaps, just a good book to read. Most assuredly, what I need is some solitude and a hike in a beautiful place.
The affirmation of sex, or the quenching of thirst with food, is only coping for the moment; but the benefits of a tall glass of water and a long walk in nature build health for a lifetime.
A handful of M&Ms sat side by side in a cut glass bowl. They are tempting, and offered to me repeatedly – even urged on me. I decline. But, everybody loves chocolate, you will say. And you are right. Even I love chocolate, but I am allergic. Ah, you murmur, “that is tragic.” Not so. A simple, specific food allergy is something you can remedy immediately. A tragedy leaves you helpless, wounded, hopeless.
The M&Ms treasured in my antique heirloom bowl stand for misunderstanding and misinformation; miscommunication and misguided. I once knew an older woman who would attempt to mend broken relationships with the platitude, “It doesn’t matter. That was just a misunderstanding.” To which I say, “It does matter!” It was far more than misunderstanding. No amount of re-phrasing will clear up misguided misinformation!”
A few weeks ago, Novel Matters linked up a video presentation on cultural misunderstandings of poverty vs middle class vs affluence. You might think of it as the tragic case of M&Ms and Money. It was hugely informative to understanding the differences in background we bring to relationships. Listening to Dr Ruby Payne speak cast an illuminating spotlight back over the decades of my upbringing and subsequent relationships. I found myself thinking, “if I had only known.”
Money, as researchers have told us over and over, is one of the major conflict triggers in relationships. We could probably recite the list together: Money, Children, In-laws, Sex, Expectations, Religion…. For this post the other one that makes the list of tragic M&Ms is Marital intimacy.
Rarely do I agree 100% with a speaker, book or movie. I wonder how many relationships could be salvaged, healed or immunized if the video that follows went viral? True to the 2,000 year legacy of the name, Mars Hill, the video that follows clears up misinformed, misguided, misunderstood, miscommunicated belief.
If you are a woman who has been shamed for desire, suffered the contempt of those who were misinformed, or deprived by pornography; let the healing begin.
Sometimes, I feel like I have only two settings for my moods; life is wonderful, or get me out of here. I am constantly observing my habits for ways to take charge of the daily despond. I am not talking about major, long-term, unrelenting depression here. A proper duel doesn’t last long. Someone wins. The other loses. The day moves forward. When I take on the daily despond of rising and getting going, I want to be the one who wins.
Maybe these heart healthy habits apply to you too.
Looking up Monument Canyon from Independence
Walk or hike daily. Second only to getting a good night’s rest, walking or hiking is the most deeply spiritual thing I do.
Make music Making music is right up there with walking and hiking as brain, heart and soul food. Singing or playing a wind instrument adds an aerobic bonus.
Read and Write – Sometimes, life is dissatisfying simply because I have not spent time in the company of great thinkers via a good book. Other times, penning a well turned phrase or two in my journal will bring contentment
Eat well I have experienced the jubilant feeling of wellbeing often enough to know that’s what I want every possible day.Eating well includes on time, often and healthful. Pinto beans are disastrous for my feelings; also, anything with caffeine – including chocolate. Too little sugar makes me droop. On the other hand, too much sugar is catastrophic. I suffer in body as well as spirit when I succumb to gorging on my favorite sweets.
As long as I make a beeline for the good things in life – apples, lovely salads, chicken and veggie stir fries, my body and my spirit communicate well. When I cave to the occasional temptation of carbonated drinks, an ice cream, wine or mixed drinks, I pay for it the the next morning – seldom with a headache, but frequently with a vague dissatisfied feeling of non-wellbeing.
Rise with the sun I like to let my body sleep in while my brain is waking up. Rising before dawn is a struggle. Whenever possible, I like to wake naturally with the dawn. Optimum for my frame of mind, is waking gradually without alarm and having a few moments between sleep and full speed ahead. In these moments, my brain and heart process new ideas and revelations. I notice what I really think or feel of a goal, problem or relationship after sleeping on it.
This idea is not unique to me. Melody Beattie recommends paying close attention to your first thoughts and revelations on waking: “Morning Cues, There is an important message for us first thing every day. Often, once we get started with the day, we may not listen as closely to ourselves and life as we do in those still moments when we first awaken. An ideal time to listen to ourselves is when we are laying quietly, our defenses are down, and we’re open and most vulnerable. ..lay still and listen and then accept the message.”
Get outsidefast When I must set an alarm, my next technique is to get outside as soon as possible, go to the door and stick my head out, open a window. If the great outdoors is not available to me for some reason, my other option is to get into the shower and let an abundance of hot water cheer me up. Hot running water will forever be my modern luxury of choice. Usually, by the time I am dressed, made-up and out the door, I am invigorated.
Sleep well, rise with the sun, get outside fast, walk, make music, read and write – these all earn a Healthy Heart label. What choices do you make to keep body and soul healthy?
If you have ever been on the care-taker side of codependent; continuously putting the needs of others above your own, you need to see this movie.
The message of “27 Dresses” was one I sorely needed to hear. It was about loyalty and persevering in service to others-to a fault. It was about a journalist who intuitively pointed out the flaw of the caretaker and, deft as a counselor, kept his focus on the issue and the cure. It was about a best friend who admits her own moral compass does not always point due north, but still cares enough to hold Jane accountable.
In the movie “27 Dresses” Jane finally learns to speak up for herself. The things she says are truths that need to be spoken. But, she does it all wrong. Her friend Casey points out that she unleashed 20 years of hurt in a cruel way. Instead of just going straight to the person and speaking the truth, Jane waited until she was completely angry and then exposed her sister publicly. People suffered. Jane suffered. Some important relationships were nearly lost.
I have been there before; both on the job and in the home. It is a place where you perform a small intervention (as it was termed in communications class), but something goes wrong. Either you do it horribly wrong or it is received in the worst possible way. The result is a complete and absolute end of the relationship. Talking has no result. Apologies go unheeded. Reconciliation and restoration are out of the question.
Why is it so hard for a people pleaser – someone who really does care about others- to speak directly? How is it we think that covert hints are better than direct confrontation; clever exposures more valid than courageously speaking our own needs? Is it wise to keep stuffing our own wants until we explode in overkill? As a result of covert, clever overkill; I have been accused of being mean and controlling for exposing the weaknesses and deceit of others, when I most want to be known as a loving and accommodating person.
“27 Dresses” is also a story about second chances. It turned out alright. Jane was contrite about doing it wrong and she immediately acted on doing things right to the favor of her future. Her sister took the chance to hear and be heard and it benefitted her future behavior as well. Both were better people for truth spoken and heeded.
Some things I covet from 27 Dresses:
1) friends who stick with you and hold you accountable until you do the right thing the right way; family who loves unconditionally, and the chance to keep practicing until you get it right.
2) to be like Jane, tirelessly doing unto others what I would have them do for me.
I have heard psychologists recommend it as important to get closure before the death of a significant other; to confront the father who abandoned, the mother who neglected or the parent who exacted too violent a punishment, however just. I know healthy adults who had these conversations with aging parents with happy result. Sin was acknowledged, forgiveness was offered and accepted – sometimes even begged.
When death comes unexpectedly soon and we are left with question after question and no closure; what then?
Many years ago, when I was a fresh divorcée; raw from every attempt to keep a husband who wanted freedom, I heard a panel of young widows on Focus on the Family. They were discussing with Dr. Dobson the pain of their loss. One said the most painful time was when she saw a man checking out at the store. From behind, he looked like her husband. She resisted the urge to run throw her arms about him and was devastated when he turned and the illusion was broken.
I knew something of that experience, and longed to give my response. Though the finality of divorce is a bit stickier than the finality of death; in a small town, the chances of actually meeting my estranged husband at the store were real. So too, the possibility of seeing him with another woman. Restraint was essential, denial useless.
Over time, I came to see that denial might have been faced with healthy result much earlier in the relationship. I endeavored to write a novel about it-to help others with my experience. That book and two others remain works in progress.
Enter psychologist turned author Bonnie Grove whose book “Talking to the Dead,” deals with similar issues of love and loss, appeasement and denial – and closure. Only this is closure with the already dead.
What do you think? What would you want? Is it better to unmask denial or betrayal and find closure with the living; or to discover, after death, those things you never wanted to know?
There is such a thing as over-responsibility. I am notoriously over-responsible and it has cost me every relationship I ever lost. It comes as a result of over-compensating for those who are irresponsible, who alter our lives for the worse, or wreck our lives and theirs by being irresponsible. Sure, when I took up the slack, it made the other person obviously, glaringly in the wrong for being irresponsible; but it left me alone, bereft of my relationships and love, looking righteous and self-righteous; and responsible. Oh, so commendably responsible! Is that what life is all about?
First of all, let me say that over-responsibility is not something you pick up casually by walking into a bar-or even walking into someplace you are supposed to be. Over-responsibility is a genetic trait and it is also behaviorally conditioned. Not only do I have a genetic predisposition for over responsibility, the people who gave me the genes also polished the grain with legalism and endless praiseworthy expectations. While I was never good enough, I also knew I was better than everyone else. The only course of action was to keep moving ever forward toward perfection. Just as you can never love too much, you can never be too responsible.
It happens inevitably when I work for others. There comes a time I find myself saying, “Ooops, pardon me for becoming so invested in your vision that I felt a sense of ownership and began to implement my own great ideas and methods.” I tend to forget that while people recruit you to further their dreams and goals,they also hire you to do it their way, not to edit or improve on their vision.
My counselor once said I needed to forget about being right. “Quit concentrating on doing the right thing and being right, and do what you want and need.” That seems so counterintuitive; so irresponsible, so decadent, so selfish. So selfish to do what the God of the universe has called you to do; to quit sacrificing yourself to make up the deficiencies in the responsibilities of others? Wait a minute. Making up the deficiencies in the responsibilities of others; is that self-sacrifice or meddling and controlling?
Over responsibility keeps me from asking for help. It looks, it appears, so selfish to be irresponsible to the mores of society; to let anyone else shoulder part of my load, to ask for help in something so ridiculous when I can just do the work myself and muscle through. I know the rules; you make your bed, you lie in it. After all, I got myself into this mess, I am responsible for getting myself out. Besides, “if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself.”
I used to cite my greatest strength as, “getting other people where they need to go and having a knack for figuring out just where it is.” Not so anymore. The characters I write in my novels resemble me. I write what I know. Happily, re-reading and editing a manuscript is often a timely reminder and has the same effect as reading a self-help book.
If I do everything you ask; then you will love me.
If I am a nice enough person; then you will love me.
If I provide for you, because of all I’ve done for you; then you will love me.
If I take care of you, meet your every need; then you will love me.
If I sacrifice for you, lay aside my dreams and desires to help you meet your dreams; then you will love me.
If I do my job and your job too; then you will love me.
I love happily ever after endings. A happy ending gives me hope. I too, might someday experience fulfillment. But, the way to achieve that happy ending is not through living women’s fiction. Living the women’s fictions written above will make you crazy. That kind of fiction ends on the counselor’s couch, working through resentment, despair and depression.
A dearly loved one was in a coma, and had lain that way for months, unresponsive to medical intervention and ministrations of close family members. After much consultation, the doctors said it appeared the immediate family had a choice to make: Leave the beloved on all invasive support systems, in which case death was inevitable, but might take an indefinite amount of time, maybe years. Or, detach life support systems and stand by and comfort as the loved one passed through the valley of the shadow. Both doctors called in for consultation freely attested they had seen occasional patients rally and live full lives after removal of life support. The next of kin saw a ray of hope in this possibility of miraculous recovery.
The next of kin nodded tearfully and said, “I see the plug has to be pulled. I will stand by and comfort if this is the end, or I will stand firm and cheer while the beloved gains strength if this is a rally.”
Then began other family members to bicker and to say, “What do you think you are doing? This never works. Put the plug back in, the doctors do not know what they are talking about.”
The compassionate doctors, finding that another family member continued to slip in during the night and tamper with the equipment; and seeing that the next of kin did not have the strength to withstand the clamor of the ignorant; consulted once more with the immediate family.
“We are agreed,” the physicians said, “that the best and least invasive course of action is to pull the plug and to nurture the patient toward strength if that becomes possible. We are also agreed that to simply leave the patient on complete support is sure death. We recommend, that you move the patient from ICU to a convalescent center. There is one other medical option, quite aggressive and the odds are 50-50. It involves major surgery.”
What think you that the next of kin will decide? And if the next of kin opts for 50-50 surgery in the hope of saving the beloved and the beloved dies, what then will the other family members say? Will they not blame the next of kin for killing the beloved? And will not the next of kin be assaulted from time to time with deep depression and doubt?
And can the acceptance of blame or all the guilt in the world bring back the dead?
Hear me now; the beloved is my marriage. I am the next of kin who took responsibility to sign for major surgery. My marriage is dead. All the blame and guilt and acceptance of responsibility in the world cannot bring it back. Will I forgive and grieve and move forward into full health, or will I hold on to my shame and insist there is no solace, forever?
It was a most subtle kind of covetousness, because it did not have to do with houses or lands or someone’s wife, but, rather with someone’s station in life. It had to do with the God-given gifts of others; their Jacob have I loved and Esau have I hated.
Writing truthful fictions
“But I am Jacob,” they cried, “I am God’s chosen one. These others who prosper, they are Esau; therefore there must be some sin in their accomplishments, some error of ways. Why would God have given them something and not given it to me? They must have stolen it. Let us ruthlessly analyze their lives and investigate their sin to draw our attention away from our craving of their successes and possessions.”
The sin and shortcomings of others they could plainly see. Yet, they did not understand that it was their own reflection. They would never be guilty of coveting possessions of another.
In the wilderness of this sin they wandered and moaned, “My needs have not been met, I cannot move forward.” The perceived void became such a wound that they took to their beds, unable to care for others; yet ready always to receive the care of others like a dry thirsty sponge; never full enough to be squeezed out to slack the thirst of another.
“Ah,” she said, “you are very subtle in your covetousness, for you are an opportunist. Not knowing how to create your own opportunities, you await the downfall of your lords and superiors, thinking their demise to be God’s provision for you.
You see their errors, sometimes their out and out deceitfulness, and you watch their downward spiral with sheepish anticipation, knowing the position, title, and yes, money will fall to you. It creates a tension within you, for you are merciful and sensitive. You mourn and agonize over the Achilles heal, the mote in the eye of your fellows, you feel their pain as they fall and you are mortified by the guilty joy that too soon overtakes you as you see what good will come of it for you.”
Putting One Foot in Front of the Other, Hiking for Life!
If you have ever been on the care-taker side of codependent; continuously putting the needs of others above your own, you need to see this movie.
